Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Finding Vincent: Beginning

As usual, I've got a lot on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could clone myself.

While I go further into my own life path and stream, I realize that sometimes to find myself, I find others that are into that stream.

I've always loved Vincent Van Gogh. His frenetic brushstrokes I could akin to mine, the bold use of color, and the wildly imaginative perception of what regular things are. I too, can relate to his quests for love, acceptance, and kindness. I can also relate feeling like the odd one out with my artwork where everyone else is getting acceptance but yet feeling like something would be increasingly missing if you went the way they did. I don't even want to get into "BOLD and DIFFERENT" as it's an increasing marketing tagline and after a while that echoes emptily. I think he couldn't be anything else.

Mine isn't a tale of self-absorption or self-martydom and I'm not about to start with Van Gogh. I don't think he set out to be one. I think he tried his best and in the most honest way possible.

What I want to know is why he mesmerizes me so. I want to know why he's more brilliant to me than Gauguin who is just as intriguing. Maybe I find Vincent more "honest"? Maybe that's why I want to call him by his first name - almost affectionately as he's someone that I feel close to. I don't think about posthumus love, but I do feel something deep within that I really relate to him.

There are times I have thought briefly that I wished I was there with him. Someone who truly understood him other than his brother. I saw and understood how he went about his relationships - wanting to have more, that bond, only to be rejected partially as no one understood and were empathetic to his attempts (mostly clumsy).

I want to travel in your time, Vincent. I want to live as you have lived. I want to see what you see. I want to see through your eyes - not documentaries that film with a bland eye, but someone truly engaged.

One of these days, I will see YOU, Vincent. I will see you who you really are and somehow take that into my soul. Maybe it will make me understand or find something of which words currently fail me to express.

Perhaps I will see your counterpart Michelangelo, and to see that madness that we all suffer from in order to see how he thrived, and excelled.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

New Directions - A Set of Ruminations

There's a lot of things that I've been self-assessing. My friend Peter would consider these brain reformats - although I would like experiences to enrich me, not the other way around.

I think defragging would be a better term.

Interestingly enough, I'm in a place in time where I could feel easily overwhelmed and overwrought. I must admit I've come to that place many a time in this day and age. However, I feel that these experiences hone me to be a much better individual that I was supposed to become.

I don't know for a fact what I will become. I only know that a lot of distractions that we allow ourselves to feel and issues that we allow to overwhelm us can really deter us. I'm not here to say problems and issues are merely stupid and nonimportant - that would be dismissive to declare.

However, I've noticed that perspective is definitely something that is important. It is really easy to get caught up in day-by-day. Even when you've willed yourself to be calm and calculating, even the perspective can really throw you off. Yet, if we are focused on what everyone else is focused on in a harried hamster wheel - we are no happier for it. In fact, there's been plenty of people that feel to make snarky exceptions when things are posted that seem to resonate deeply.

We seem to want to find nirvana, but are always fighting in many different ways and in may conflicting ways to get there. For example, we all desire lasting relationships - but we push away people that we care about in callous ways. We like to assume. A LOT. We don't understand the simple fact we don't need to go all out in one viewpoint and be absolutist - we gotta see in the big picture of finding the mechanisms in our lives and to see the individual ability of ourselves and whatever path is set out for us to do. All we need to do is state our piece and go forward. We usually can get what we want if we ask.

In today's world, I find interesting is that if you have a lot of interests and still want to pursue them all with equal fervor - it means you're unfocused and uncaring about your career. It seems like in the world of self-help books, positive affirmations, and "unlocking potential" - we seem to degenerate into ripping the another down, arguing with that person because they don't fit in our little box, to not letting things "be" with the other person. We're all entitled to our opinions and conclusions, but so are we to our own solutions.

I'll be throwing up content here and there on Patreon to see where I go.